My dearest big little girl,
This has become a ritual I have come to cherish, and I'm wondering if this blog has been reduced (elevated?) to becoming an annual act of pausing and taking a snapshot of life as it is with you. Happy birthday, my love. You turn 5 today. And this one sure is a milestone I wouldn't want to miss. Seeing '30 May' on the date of the blog-post matters; seeing that date triggers so much, brings up so much inside. Needless to say, I'm a bundle of emotions today, as also of thoughts.
You know, Zara, I'd read somewhere that a child is connected to her mother with an invisible umbilical chord up until she is 5yrs of age. Is today the day that chord starts dissolving? (I certainly don't feel it snap) Maybe it's just in my head, but today when you rode your first proper cycle on the terrace and told me 'Mamma, I will ride on my own, you don't need to follow me', my heart gave a lurch. So there is my baby, growing up. Allow me some time as I manage my separation anxiety.
I keep telling people that mothering is the toughest school I've enrolled in, in life. It's such a bittersweet blessing. Sweet is obvious (and I will keep telling you how and why in a million ways). Bitter because the lessons don't come easy. Like sharing you with the world. As you grow older, I'm beginning to (just beginning to) learn to let go, to enjoy seeing you have moments with others, seeing you enjoy intimate connections with others. You cannot even imagine the possessiveness I started with when you were born. :) I've come a long way, and yet there is such a long way to go. Yet, you are the one who is helping make this journey easy. Because you know exactly how to reassure that possessive mum. Like today. I came into the bedroom to lie down and rest from all our hectic morning of activities and fun, and just wanted you to be close to me, just us. There was laughter and banter, your Appa, Atthai, Paati-Thatha in the hall. I told you to come lie down next to me (as you always do) although you wanted to be in the hall, amidst all the action. I said I wanted you here just for a little bit because 'You're my baby no?' to which you said 'I'm their baby too'. I smiled and said nothing, marveling at the truth you had revealed for me to digest, but I think my face fell a bit, because the next instant you said 'But you're my Mamma, and I'm YOUR baby, so I'm going to be here with you'. What followed was a good 15-20mins of rolling about on the bed, masti, cuddles, and laughter. And then you said 'Okay, now I'm going to the hall'. And I happily said 'Okay', having had my share of you, knowing I dare not ask for more. Because you belong not just to me, but to all those who love you dearly as their own. And that is going to keep expanding. But you sensed something, and you responded to it with a sensitivity that left me astounded. I'm grateful, child, for you are a marvel of nature, an angel of God.
If we're able to keep this sensitivity intact, your innocence alive, and your refreshing originality throbbing, I think we will have done our job. I'm going to post this now (remember the date?) but come back to it tomorrow to add more. A little cheating is allowed eh?
