Guilt Academy

If there ever were a job description for the role of a mother, guilt would be the unmentioned occupational hazard. The Guilt Goblin creeps upon you stealthily, and with slim, cold fingers catches hold of your heart until you feel you want the Earth to swallow you; to turn time and undo whatever it is that you did, or do what you did not do, or do something better, faster, gentler. There is neither a start to this, nor a visible end, except regularly waging wars on the Goblin (and hoping you win, until it shows up again).

What is it written into this role that invites guilt by design? Almost like a gate-pass into this secret society. Is it the expectations society puts on being the perfect nurturer, the ultimate 'Mamta ki Murat'? All those Mother's Day messages that talk of the countless sacrifices the mother makes? (Wait, I'm not sacrificing enough here. I must be a bad mother. In fact, I don't feel like I'm 'sacrificing' anything at all. What does that make me?!) How she has a magic wand, she forgets herself in devotion of her children etc. etc.? We've moved to modern times, but it's hard to shake off generations of invisible conditioning of what it means to be a mother. (Title of another post - What it Means to be a Mother. Sounds deep already).

The Guilt Goblin showed up for me even before Zara was born, when I was carrying her in my tummy. Let me give you one instance. Super enthu to create the right womb environment (Wah! Let me copyright that term) for her by surrounding myself with positive influences and all that assorted jazz, I read up on how a foetus develops and what reaches it (in terms of influence) at what stage in the pregnancy. At many places, I came across the term 'Garbha Sanskar' - listening to music, often shlokas and Vedic chants, that would cultivate positive sanskar in my child, because after the second trimester she could listen to what I was listening to. This was all well, except that after a few hearings I got bored listening to it. In my childhood I have enjoyed chanting, learning shlokas. But now when the same comes from outside I can only listen to it to an extent, after which the mind craves 'Yeh Haunsla' from Dor or 'Rabta' from Agent Vinod and or even 'Pehli Baar' from Dil Dhadakne Do. There are times when I get immersed in chants, especially when I understand the essence. But those times are few and far between. The same with classical music - Indian and Western alike. It's known to be beneficial to the child, so I really tried hard to listen to it, but it would often straight put me to sleep (yes, yes, the foetus can still hear even if one is sleeping, but you get the point - I didn't always want to be lulled to sleep!) The list goes on.

I found myself wondering if I was doing enough for the baby even before she had come into the world. The Guilt Goblin reared its ugly head - you're not trying hard enough, you're ignoring age-old wisdom, what if your baby doesn't have enough sanskar (Will Alok Nath step in with a tutorial?), what if she dozes off to classical music too?(Eeek!) It took conscious effort to remind myself of the basics - happy thoughts, love, joy, and peace around, good food, sleep, exercise, yoga...that these would do. Seems like it worked to an extent. Zara is a happy child. And she has recently begun doing Namaste.

I can already hear some of you jump to say - 'Arey but who says all this is compulsory?' 'Do what you can na, what is there to feel guilty in that?' But that's not it. This guilt is internalized; the Goblin has camped deep, deep inside. It shows up at inopportune times, in unexpected quarters. And at those times, one is tempted to lash out outside when the pain really is inside. Only those hurt inside can hurt outside. I believe. Guilt tries posing outside as anger and frustration with others, dissatisfaction, sadness even. And then it sits on your shoulders in the night until you feel weighed down with a 'What am I doing? Why can't I get this right? Will I ever learn? God, I'm not good enough.'

For a new mother, there are many avenues of acquiring this famous sentiment. Am I doing enough? Does my baby have enough? What if I need to give formula feed sometimes? What if I stop breastfeeding sooner than I should? Go on for longer than I should? What if the pain is just too much to bear and I just don't want to go on despite knowing I should? What if I want to bear it even when people are saying 'Give up'? Is she getting enough variety in her food menu? Am I resuming work too soon? Am I selfish? Where is the time for 'me-time'? Why do I still miss it? Am I getting too angry with the poor infant? And - oh horror - am I actually yelling at my toddler?! How can I be so impatient? How can I feel needy when there are the baby's needs to fulfil? (In case of this doubt, please refer to the previous post). Am I forgetting to be a spouse in the pursuit of being a mother? Why is the house so unkempt, things always lying around? Why is the To-Do list always incomplete? Why haven't I got this deal figured? What's the point of being educated if I can't even change a diaper properly?! Why don't I know why my baby is crying?! What if I question conventional wisdom and want to find my own way? But then, I don't know my way at all; by the time I do, the baby will have grown up. Then I will need to figure that stage. I know nothing...nothing!!! You get the drift? It's a whooshing current if you ask me, not a drift. I'm quoting other new mothers here, not just my mental voice.

I am fairly certain this continues even once the child grows up. In one instance during those healing 40 days, my mother forgot to tell me there was dal cooked for me, amongst other things. I huffily told her at the end of the meal,'What Maa, why no dal today? I really wanted to have some!' My hormonal, dramatic expression led to her reacting just as sharply, until I realized in an instant that she was feeling bad, mildly guilty and was reacting out of that guilt. A pinprick of guilt, but guilt nonetheless. Guilt about not having given me one item on the menu for one meal out of the thousands she has provided. Imagine. Where does this begin and where does this end?

Of course, expectations from others - society, your own mother (especially your mother), father, mentors, media - don't always help. Sometimes they help you become better, at most others they add to the 'Should's. 'Should's are a donkey's burden, getting heavier with every message, every expectation. These messages are often subtle and disguised, more covert than overt. So you can't even actively fight them, because you don't realize you've internalized that expectation, that voice, and made it yours. Guilt Goblin's favourite food are your expectations of yourself - the sum total of those internalized from others, and then some more. This post will run into many pages if I get into the big things, so I've stayed with the little ones for now. Because these occur everyday, many times a day. Do we need someone to come tell us - 'Listen, just bundle all the guilt and throw it into the ocean. You don't deserve this. You're doing the best you can, so give yourself a breather'?

The Goblin is fed inside. It feeds on your insides in turn. That's the only place to battle it. Shut the damn world out and just decide what your own benchmarks for yourself are. Once in a while, relax them. And if you need someone to tell you 'It's okay, it's okay to be who you are, to feel like you do, to fail like you do, to not know what you don't', here I am, telling you in so many words. Because it is okay.

Just for today, let me not be a juggling-everything-effortlessly-holding-it-all-together-all-the-time-looking-great-feeling-fine supermom. Because I am not.

P.S - How does this guilt manifest for you? Do fathers feel frequent guilt too? Share in the comments; would love to hear your stories. Apart from your response to this one. P.P.S - Srikrishnan says, 'Guilt? What guilt??'