This Mother's Day, Find a New Mother

I am learning the art of provocative post-titles from my friends in marketing. That aside, the 'new' in the title does not assume you disown your own mother. Nay, I love mine to bits.

This Mother's Day, I propose you become your own mother. Strange? Uncomfortable? 'I am a man, how can I be a mother'? Allow me to elaborate.

This is my first Mother's Day as a 'real' mother, with an 11-month old delight-of-a-daughter, Zara. ('Real', because the loving husband already bought me a mother's day gift last year when I was carrying the baby! I didn't protest, of course. Didn't have ratti bhar ka bhi (not the least bit) clue what being a mother entailed, in practice.)

And so I am celebrating by sharing this journey with whoever is called to tune in, maybe for a glimpse into mine, perhaps for a reflection on their own. Because I have much to share. That's how this blog is born. (That I've been meaning to do this from the time I found out I was expecting is another story) This journey is as rewarding as it is challenging, and I am here having the sharpest learning curve I've ever experienced since becoming an adult. (Childhood gives many of these curves, of course)

Hospital delivery rooms should have a sign - 'As the child arrives in this world, you may kindly dissolve into the background'. But it does happen to an extent, if not fully. Not in the big things like food, health, sleep, or even love and care. (In many households, it amounts to this too. I'm blessed to be born in privilege.) But in the subtle and unexpressed. This hit me hard at first, because I wasn't prepared for it.

The first place I noticed it was with our photographs. Now I'm used to being the centre of attention in my family growing up, the lover of photographs, the born poser. Now, here I was sharing photographs of Zara and me in different settings and hearing my closest friends say - 'Awww she's so cute'. Just that. So I'd think, 'Okay...and?' And that's all. So I was invisible in the said photographs. Not a big deal, but a telling event. Naturally, the child is the centre of attention, the novelty, the cuteness incarnate (and God, she is). Even when I got a new haircut or was wearing an unusual outfit.

This got me thinking - why do I need people, especially loved ones, to notice? Because I still feel like a child inside, a child yearning for attention. But now I'm a mother. I am expected to put those needs aside, as least until the baby grows up, because her need is greater than mine. (Poor thing can't even articulate her needs fully and I am sitting here writing a blog-post on mine!) Is there an 'either-or' here really?

(I have taken a really small example; there are several such. Like the waxing-like pain one feels when a bandage is pulled off after a few days - who wants to hear about that and fuss over except a mother?!)

Now let me explain at this juncture that I belong to a very loving family - my mum stayed with me and nurtured me back to health those first 6 weeks, my husband took leave and changed diapers, did night duty on many nights so that I may sleep, my in-laws stayed with us (still do) to support us in this new phase of life. My spouse Srikrishnan, in fact, fussed over me to no end. Still does.

This is not about that. This is mostly about the infinitesimal things. The tiny ups and downs of your everyday existence. The struggles and insecurities and fears. The overwhelming love and joy and tears. A tiny triumph here, a little loss there. A new haircut. Photographs - posed and candid. Stuff that I might not even think worthy of sharing with someone else, but I want to. Stuff that makes me feel like a small child all over again. Motherhood, strangely enough, does that to you. It did to me. No wonder women often turn to their mothers first when they themselves become mothers - they want to be nurtured while they nurture. They want to continue being the child while they give of themselves to another. I did. I still do.

But here's the thing - this need belongs not just to a new mother, or even any mother. It does not even belong only to women, although women are more likely to suppress it when they become mothers. It's inside all of us. The need to be nurtured, fussed over, celebrated, especially in the small things. It's only that becoming a mother sharply brought this into my focus.

In a workshop called 'Joyous Woman' that I had attended many years ago, Sukhvinder Sircar took us through an exercise called the 'Mother's Gaze': imagine looking at yourself like your mother would. Like 'a' mother would. I found it somewhat odd back then; at first I kept seeing my mother's eyes look at me. But it left something with me - the idea that I could be my own mother. Not just because my mother is another human being with her own needs, limitations of time and space, ideas, and so on. But mostly because no one knows me as well as I do. No one is closer. And therefore, no one is in a better position to fuss over myself as I am. Once I meet this need myself, I feel nurtured within. Of course my mum is priceless; I love what she is to me and all that she does for me. My day is incomplete without a chat with her, in fact. But now I no longer feel lost like a puppy dog if she's not around during one of these vulnerable moments, nor do I feel glum if she does not respond the way I want her to when I share something. Can't claim I'm there, but the journey has begun.

When I started becoming a mother to Zara ('becoming', and not ready-made, hand-delivered. More on this later), I also started becoming a mother to myself.

The wonder was that the more I started being present to myself and my needs, giving myself unconditional love and acceptance, energy and attention, the more I was able to do that for Zara. I was no longer wanting, needy, incomplete, lost, a child-constantly-in-search-of-her-mother. Now I had two children - Zara and that baby Aku (my childhood name, still called by family and close friends) Both gurgling and happy.

Today, I invite you to do the same. Especially the mothers out there who have dissolved their identity and put their child(ren) before themselves. Go ahead, look into the mirror and give yourself the 'mother's gaze'. And encourage your mother to do the same. :)

P.S. - This one's to you, Maa. <3

P.P.S - Readers, please leave your responses as Comments to the post so that I have it all in one place!